Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Just seeking answers is all...

Lately, I've been involved with a bit of name calling, but it hasn't bothered me. No, I'm actually ok with it. In fact, the name calling has been directed towards me, and I've rather enjoyed it. In the last week alone, I've been called the following:
  • bear
  • a fighter
  • epic
  • (someone with) spidey-sense
  • awesome
  • and, one woman who works in a doctors office asked me if I am a Nurse!
You may or may not know that I have been involved in the fight of my life for the past nearly 17 years. I got pregnant with my first son, and went into preterm labor with him at week 21. At week 21, day 2, my Ob/Gyn and Perinatologist stood at the foot of my bed, and told me they couldn't stop my labor, and I should just go home. I would deliver a stillborn baby, and then I could just start over again. Well, two weeks later still in the hospital, heavily medicated, find me still pregnant. Fast forward to 15 weeks later, and, though I am still medicated, I am also still pregnant. The day they turn off my medication is the day my labor resumes. Drew is born 12 hours later at day 1 of week 36. He is a true gift, and amazingly healthy, he is my miracle.

This last month has been a whirlwind of questions answered, "i"s dotted, and "t"s crossed. We have finally learned that Drew is having microscopic brain seizures, has ADHD, and can be treated for this with medication. We have also learned that the therapy I received while in preterm labor is supposed to be used for no longer than 72 hours, and I was on it for 6 straight WEEKS. I wouldn't have gotten to this place, this island of learning located deep in my heart, without doing some leaning, and some trusting...

Even though I don't want my son to have anything wrong with him, I am so, so thankful to finally have answers. I am thankful that he can finally receive the help he so desperately needs. I am so, SO happy that HE now understands what is going on inside his brain, and will be able to look at life through new glasses, so to speak. My prayers have been answered big time, and in that, I am grateful, and a bit speechless.

You see, I struggle with running my life through discipline, and perfection. Loosening my grip on the powerful control hold wrought by (ahem) me is difficult, and sobering. Though I have always known about letting God be in charge of my life, I keep trying to put my own spin on things. My old patterns beg me to cling to them, and I talk back. At first, gradually. But as I am witness to the letting go, and letting God be in charge, I am finding that my surefire grip on things wasn't really taking me where I need to go. 

In the trusting, I am finding truth. 
In the letting go, I am being led down the right path. 
In the release, I am finding the answers.

Once, that was terrifying. Now, it brings me great comfort. Now, that gives me a foothold on which to start anew. Now, I have a solid place on which I can lean.

And, in all of that, a true blessing for my son. I couldn't ask for more. I am humbled beyond words.

x, Val

1 comment:

505whimsygirl said...

Hi Val,

What a lovely family photo! It is comforting to learn the answers to questions both spoken and unspoken. Going forward with knowledge and help will be so much easier than going through the struggle of finding the answers. I know it's hard for me to Let Go and Let God. Sometimes its hard to silence our mind and open up our heart at the same time.

Wishing your family health and happiness.