Hi there, creative beings, deep thinkers, and needle felters! Or just creatives 😀
The blog world has been far from my attentive mind, yet here it waits patiently for me until I come back again. I will dispense with the apologies for my vacancy and the like, and just get onto the business of writing down my thoughts here. Thank you very much!
Currently, my world continues its shake-up and reorganization; the remaking of my personal world and soul since losing my husband to GBM4 cancer just a mere 4.5 years ago. Seems like a lifetime, and yet - wasn't it just last month? Grief stretches time into a strange time-warp sort of space, and some days are simply unrecognizable. Other days seem relatively normal. Then there are the days that crash down upon you like a sack of bricks, and there you sit weighted down by the mire and rubble until you can manage to dig yourself free. All the while, the world keeps revolving on its axis and life goes on around you; people, places, and things are the same, but somehow so different. It's like the catastrophe that took place never actually happened, but it did, didn't it? Is it all in my head?
During all of this, things happen. Decisions are made, friends are visited. Church attendance happens, a job is accepted. Then a second job, yes. And in between, I am creating. Always creating. Keeping my hands busy, my mind as sharp as possible during this current hijacking of reality. Bad decisions are made, too, it seems, truly bad decisions. There was the year 2024, where I began taking antidepressants for experiencing intrusive thoughts and disturbing images. My dreams evaporated. I know I was still having dreams, but they were too far away to access. I felt lost. I got a job and a boyfriend. Online. They were both scams. I lost so, so much money. My brain felt hijacked; I was not myself. My sons and youngest brother saved me from total and utter destruction, thank God. I confronted my boyfriend-scammer and coerced him into telling me his true story. I wrote a book on my experiences; the "boyfriend" co-wrote it with me so I could tell his story too. I decided to stop the antidepressants. I stopped talking with the "boyfriend." My dreams returned.
Today, I am closer to what I believe and value as my true self. Do we have a true self, you might ask? I ask this all the time. Somehow, I feel my true self is my 13-year-old self. Remember back then? That's when I took the screen out of my 2nd-story window and would sit on the windowsill, looking out upon the world. I contemplated jumping. Not to kill myself; it was more the metaphorical jumping into my own true self. That was when I thought about forest dwelling, foraging the earth to figure out life's mysteries, walking my days with a dog always and forever by my side. I wondered if I would be alone? Well, I wouldn't be because I had a dog. Would I find a mate, and what would life look like with a mate? What would be my life's ambition, and just how would I manage to accomplish it? Ahhh, the wonderings of youth, before life takes hold and we are swept along the river's tide to wherever the landing happens, whether we are ready, prepared or not.
Now, as I write this, I am 66 years old. So far, yet so close to my 13-year-old self. I currently sit here, typing on a new computer I financed after my old one was dying, not wanting to experience the death throes of that computer, so I financed a new one, thank God. I don't think I could handle another death in my life.
There is a beautiful pine tree outside my window. Technically, it's not my window; it's JLo's window. He's my boyfriend now, and we have been dating for the past year. We found each other online after I had picked up a few tips on how not to get scammed. I looked him over warily at first, wanting to believe his 35-year career as a trauma doctor, his accomplishments, and the things he told me about himself. He felt safe, and he made me smile. We had the same likes and similar goals. I wanted to simply be able to trust him. On our 3rd time meeting each other (because we live 1.5 hours apart from each other), he saved a man's life on the street, and I believed him. Not only did I believe him, but all the trust, uncertainty, and fear in opening myself to someone new evaporated. Right there on Newport Blvd, 1 block from the beach, under the blazing sun. God allowed me to meet a man, and then He showed me that I could believe and trust this man is who he says he is. And, now, one year later, here we are. Loving and being with each other the way our fragile selves desire. With hearts entwined, and growing together as best we can. I do feel blessed, truly blessed in all that has happened to me since Greg died. Kicking and struggling, weeping and laughing. It has been another snippet of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, somehow continuing on in my life... wow.
This post was to be a Needle Felting 101 Basics How-To. But instead, it is this. So, I will come back later and write a needle felting how-to, I promise. And, btw, Onyx is my current sidekick, well, besides JLo. I will add his lovely needle felted portrait for you to gaze upon, above. But below is who I am, who we are today. Just for today... 💝 xx, Val
